Happy birthday, my friend

Looking at my life.. as I have for the past few months... I realize that even though there are a lot of changes taking place.. I, myself, am just falling deeper and deeper into an abyss. I no longer hope for very many things to happen.. I really don't look to the future anymore.. because I feel that it will be a cold and lonely future... I was cursed to have an outlook like my father... even though I hate to admit it.. I am extremely stubborn.. rather than be wrong... I will sit the rest of my life.. alone.. without pursuing any relationship.. and let my life pass me by.. I've grown used to the idea.. My relationship with my spouse is over.. we talk in passing now.. but even that is rare.  I have on occasion thought about giving up my principles and going back to the sites where I said I would never return to.. but to what... it's full of heartache and hurt.. people looking for something they don't have.. and hoping to find it with someone who will lie.. and cheat... and do whatever makes themselves happy with little regard to what they do to other people.  A couple of people on one of the sites were just mentioned to me recently.. and I had forgotten who they were.. and one of them was on my friends list.. after a few minutes.. I remembered him.. but still  had no idea about the other...  I was tempted today to log in.. just to start a birthday thread for a special friend.. but that would just propagate the idea that I give merit to the sites... Better that she see it for what it really is... I sort of hope that someone starts one for her.. so she isn't disappointed.. but I'm almost certain no one will.. everyone is caught up in their own little world there..and have their own little cliques.. whether they want to admit it or not... I refuse to be a part of that.. I didn't do it in high school.. and I refuse to "go back to high school" and participate in the juvenile antics of the people there trying to recapture their youth.  That's all it is.. a social playground for people to feel better about themselves by being involved in something as superficial as the high school social scene was... Some people will never grow up..

As for today.. it's my friend's birthday... I hope it is a good one for her.. and that someone makes her day a bit brighter.. I would like to see her actually meet someone that can give her some of the things she needs in life.. some stability.. caring.. love.. I don't really believe in it.. but she does.. and I can always hope she finds what she seeks... She has stuck it out with me.. being there through some of my darkest times.. and never needing anything from me... I appreciate that.. she gets tired of me telling her that I can't be more than friends.. but she's stopped complaining about my reminders.. maybe she is accepting the truth.. I've grown to learn that I care for her.. as a friend.. but that a future with anyone will be impossible for me.. I can only hope that she will forgive me when she finally realizes this and begins to hate me for all the wasted hope she's given herself.. Already.. I will say ... I'm sorry.. I am still me.. and that's all..  I hope you have a wonderful birthday.. and that something nice happens today.. Even though it's not on the site.. it is online.. here..  Happy Birthday, my friend.