I won't forget.

I appreciate someone having the courage to stick with me.. and listen to all of this.. That doesn't mean I'm going to change.. that doesn't mean I can encourage them that there may be something different on the horizon... it just means that I find it refreshing to know that all people aren't rushing in and out of my life at the drop of a hat.. when things get tough.. I still know that it's just a matter of time before I am going to miss someone.. even if that person is only a really good friend.  I can't convence myself of anything different. There are times when I long to say something mean.. or vindictive.. but I try to refrain from that.  I don't think that many people truly know what they want in the first place.  So.. I will continue on my small path.. gently rowing my boat down the stream... and hope that I don't get capsized again.  I have my life jacket of cynicism on now though... I'm not ignorant enough to say that I won't even have feelings for someone.. I probably will fall again... but it won't be anytime soon.. and that person will have to go through more than humanly possible to get me to change... I will push anyone away.. I will remember what I've been through.. I will remember all the feelings that I had.. still have.. and realize no matter how strong those feelings are.. they are pointless.  No matter what someone says.. I won't believe they really love me... they might like me a lot.. they might stick with me.. they might become a person I give a decent amount of trust to... but I will never trust anyone fully again.  Every day I wake up.. and I re-live so many event from the past year... over and over again in my mind. I get the majority of my crying out of the way.. and then I go to work... or play my game.  There.. I have the ability to escape. She was never a part of those parts of my life.. but sometimes.. when I'm sitting in my office.. or in certain places... I remember conversations we had... and I get sad. I still don't understand why it took her so long to realize that I wasn't what she wanted... or needed.. I don't get why she had to string me along for so long... I suppose it's possible that she just didn't realize it.. or didn't want to admit it to me or herself..  I don't want her to suffer.. I hope she is finding something better than what she had.  I hope maybe this time.. she can be open enough with the next person to let them know what's on her mind. If she is reading this.. I want to remind her that the box will expire at the end of this month.. she needs to turn her key in so I won't get charged for another 6 months.... or at least establish another payment method.  As for everything else.. she can keep it.. I don't want anything back..

I am working this morning.. again.. worked yesterday.. and Friday was supposed to be a holiday for me.. but I worked it anyway.  I am doing a decent job of keeping myself occupied.. away from my wife.. and online.. I keep in my mind that I am wearing myself away.. but as I told someone yesterday.. I don't plan on growing old.. I don't plan on anything anymore.  I just get disappointed.  ..no.. I'm not giving up on life.. I'm just giving up on being happy.. not planning on it..

My spouse and kids.. I hardly talk to them anymore.. I can't.  I find it much easier to be a bit cold.. and push them away too.. They have to adjust sooner or later.. Maybe I'm creating a rift between my daughters and myself.. but they will be ok.. They need to learn how cold and uncaring it can get.. and I find myself not really wanting to be loved now.. I want them to maybe push me away too..  I will support them financially... Last night.. I was talking to my spouse on the phone for a few minutes.. and I heard my daughter say 3 or 4 times.. "tell dad I love him"  ... I finally told my spouse to tell her I love her too.. that was the first time in awhile I expressed that.. I don't know how long now.. I know she thinks she loves me.. but I also think she has to.  I was told once.. you don't have to tell people you love them.. you show it.. I can't do either now.. because I don't even love myself.. how can I love anyone else. I don't know how long this will last.. but I'm certain that years will be involved... I won't forget.