Hopelessly melancholy.

Happy Thanksgiving. I had to work later last night.. even though most everyone else got off 3 hours early. well.. at least I have more time off later.. like I need more. I suppose it will be the opportunity to do what I have always wanted to do.. in the Spring after the divorce.. I AM going to take a cruise.. don't know how long yet.. don't know where.. but I will take one.  it's my present to me for working so much now. I have over 100 hours of comp time.. in addition to all the extra money I've been saving up.. but I hope to use some of that to make my daughters Christmas a better one.  I am taking a special guest to Thanksgiving dinner... it was sort of surprising for me to announce it.. but I am doing it anyway.. I hope all goes well and that nothing is said that hurts anyone's feelings. As long as my daughters are ok with it.. that's all that matters anyway.
I can't continue to let my heart bleed here... that's all it does anymore.. so I will lock the remainder of it away.. and give it a decent burial... I feel a stabbing pain every once in awhile when certain things are mentioned.. but I don't want people to have to walk on eggshells around me.. I was told recently that "raspberries are my favorite kind" ...and my mind immediately my mind jumped to a video from the tv show "Pushing Daisies" ...and then the sadness welled up again.. Memories of watching tv shows and movies together online.. pausing to catch up.. so we were at the exact location in the movie.. yeah it was corny.. but it was a special thing we shared... just like on Thursday when my students bought me Season's 1 and 2 of "Chuck" ...I let them.. because it was cheap.. I had talked about wanting to get them several months back... but I threw them away when I got home.. I can't live with those sort of daily reminders... of how inadequate I am.. I won't ever get over my feelings.. I understand that now.. I try to mask them with other activities.. my game keeps me occupied.. my friends give me encouragement.. but... things haven't changed much inside me.. and I can't make things change.. I am hopelessly melancholy.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

I'm Looking Forward To A New Year.

Been through ice the last few days... lots of time to take off between now and the end of the year... but I will get it in. I tend to not worry about much of anything lately. There's no need.. life is perfect... or at least headed in a perfect direction. I am still irritated at my boss and don't feel that I can truly talk to her without wanting to slap some sense into her... and I'm not a violent person... I don't like the feelings she provokes in me. I haven't felt those feelings before. I would never contemplate seriously hurting anyone on purpose... but with her.. I just want answers... show me WHY you would do such a thing. Not a whole lot I can do about it now.. I will just ride it out until I can go elsewhere... it won't be much longer anyway. I got new glasses yesterday. They are the first plastic frames I've had in 30+ years... black and simple. I actually am growing to like them in a hurry. I spent my time driving to and from the city on the phone...
Read more