Not much here, anymore.

I was shot... in my dream last night.. I was shot in the head.. it sorta stung.. but I was so incoherent... I couldn't think.. I knew what I wanted to say.. I was roaming around.. trying to find someone to help me.. to let them know who shot me.. but I didn't know who actually did it. I wandered around for awhile.. and then I sat down in an alley.. and people passed and called me a bum.. I just lay there.. and slowly bled to death.. it was soooo realistic.. when I woke up this morning.. I was actually a little surprised I was alive..  The thing is.. I don't want to die.. but I don't want to live either.. I figure I'll just deal with what happens to me..
My song post yesterday.. was a bit impromptu.. I was told about a song by a friend.. and I started clicking links from that one.. and then another one.. and then another.. several songs I thought about posting.. but then I got to Johnny Cash.. Hurt.. and I really understand it.. Life is full of hurt.. we hurt other people.. and we get hurt..  it's just that way.  I'm becoming all too familiar with the pain of being hurt..  and I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused others...

I ended up having to work yesterday..  and I was told that they wanted me to work as much as I would work.. they even asked me to work on Thanksgiving.. but I turned them down. I have been working more than enough.. still will continue to.. but I need a day off every once in awhile.  I feel sort of like a zombie lately... or what I imagine a zombie would feel like. Just waking up.. going to work.. trying to survive.. but I'll never eat another's brain.. I won't use another person to allow me to survive.. I wouldn't be able to stand myself.. When I feel something so deep.. and then find out it was all an illusion.. just like everyone else.. even though I thought this time.. she was different.. I was used... I guess that's why she moved on.. I didn't have anything else.. now it's on to the next one.. and after him.. the next.. just like all people seem to do.. we feast on the willingness of others to boost us up in life.. and when we no longer feel like we are getting all we need.. we move on to someone else.. I won't do that... I refuse to play that game.  I can't offer anything to anyone.. I don't have it.. I won't have it anytime soon.. it's gone from me.. I'm not the same person I was a year ago.. I try not to change.. but life is about change.. whether we want to admit it or not.. we all feel differently after time passes.. so.. eventually.. I might change to have a glimmer of hope.. but until then.. all I will do is be all I can be.. there's just not much here, anymore.

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