Expectations.

I won't allow myself to be happy..  I continue to push my friends and family away... That always seems to be the case.. sometimes I'm not even aware of when I am doing it now... I really don't want to hurt people.. and I do that anyway... no matter how much I say things.. my actions seem to convey a different appearance.. I need to crawl back into my emotional shell and just wait it out.. ride out the hurt.. the uncertainness.. the lonliness.. The words I put here in my blog... they're not just words.. these are my deepest thoughts.. that's why it's called "under my hat" ..it's IS what is going through my brain.. It IS a glimpse inside my mind at the thoughts I have.  People may look at this and think there is some sort of motive behind what I say.. but I have NO motive... I've come to learn to expect nothing.  I might have been halfway hoping for things at one point in time... but now.. I really don't have any expectations from anyone.  I find that it's much easier not to count on anyone.. because we all sink sooner or later.. and it's much easier to try to swim.. than to swim and try to rescue someone else.  I can't be involved in any deep relationship now... I have said this over and over and over again.. it's just not in me.. I don't even trust my own feelings.. much less anyone else.  I am wrong in trying to live in the moment.. day by day... I need to keep bringing up the future.. and future plans.. that just sets wrong expectations.. I suppose that I think about possibilities.. and those ideas get verbalized.. but.. it just sets up something that I cannot follow through with... something that..  at the moment... I do not have the strength to believe in more than as just a possibility.  I flounder about.. trying to look for a light at the end of the tunnel.. setting a possible goal to achieve.. knowing that even as I say things.. it's just a goal.. it's not a certainty.. and it is still so far away.  I will keep my words to myself.. and just express myself here.. For those who don't want to know what's going on inside me.. then stop reading.. that's your choice.  I don't mind sharing those thoughts with the people that happen to frequent this page.. I cannot change how I think.. or who I am.. A lot of what I type .. is going to be about the misery I feel.. one of the few escapes I have had lately.. is my game.. spending time there.. and chatting with a friend or two.. I am not capable of being any more than a friend... and sometimes.. I am not certain that I am capable of even that.  I am not whole.. I am not strong.. I only have part of me left.. and that's not enough for myself sometimes.. let alone anyone else. I have to apologize to a friend that I have let get close... possibly expecting more.. even though I maintain that I can't give more than what I am.. and I'm still broken.. shattered actually..  I haven't been online on the sites I frequented for so long now.. I won't go back.. EVER.. because I won't allow the possibility of letting anyone else think they can get close to me.. I was in something for 2 years.. in college.. for 17 years.. my marriage.. in 6 months.. another relationship.. in a year.. the last one.. I felt feelings stronger than any of the other ones.. I knew my heart.. or so what I thought.. and I went for broke.. and invested everything I am.. and I've lost almost all of that.. almost all of who I am.. is damaged .. maybe beyond repair.. I need to stay in the moment.. continue to suffer and try to get through this.. Escape doesn't really seem like an option at the moment.. I won't be able to trust anyone to the point of thinking long term anymore.. I said everyone leaves.. sooner or later.. and I am more certain of that.. than ever before.  Maybe it's because I push them away.. or maybe it's because they find out that there's just not much of me here in the first place. I need to not have expectations..