Suffering
I sometimes feel like I don't want to go on... I feel like that all I am going to find... is heartache and hurt... but I won't give up. I won't surrender to the adversities of life. I really need to work on my life. To improve things... I do want to be happy... I guess by reading here.. I seem like some sort of emo guy... but even though I'm in pain internally... most of the time I walk around like nothing is wrong. I choose to get up in the morning.. I choose to go to work... I choose to continue struggling... We all have choices... sometimes the choices are limited.. but we still have a choice. I am supposed to go to my Grandmother's Thanksgiving dinner... I want to go.. it might be her last. I wonder what kind of advice she would give me... would it be as cold and callous as my Dad's advice? I am certain that if he knew how deeply I hurt.. he would tell me to try to be happy.. even though he says differently.
I bought a lottery ticket yesterday... just to keep that hope alive too.. I have a lot of hope... if I were to win... I would be able to do things without fear of not being able to support my kids.. That's part of the reason I'm still here.
I notice that I still have visitors... I don't mind... it shows either that I've peaked their interest... or that she is discussing me with them... and they are just "keeping tabs" on me. Either way... I'm going to continue to blog whatever I feel... I blog each morning now... just to alleviate some of the pressure of life. I still do it just for me. I really didn't figure she would visit my page again.. after she knew I kept record of who visited... I am still not certain who left the "loser" comment awhile back.. it wasn't anyone I gave this web address to. I'm certain that she's getting all kinds of reassuring comments on how she is better off without me.. possibly that I am mentally unstable... I think we all are a bit off our rocker from time to time.. Oh.. I realize that this week is an emotional one for her... I still keep track of her cycle.. I'm not certain why anymore.. habit I guess. I sometimes wish that I hadn't cared so much... I wish that I were like a lot of the other guys that frequent the sites I visited... just there for a good time. But that's not me... I was visiting the sites to find the emotional intimacy I craved.. that I was missing. Yes.. the physical is nice.. but it's not everything.. I find some of the emotional intimacy when I talk with a friend... being able to discuss things.. that are a part of who I am inside.. not the persona I display to everyone else.. but the REAL me.. I do share.. because it's who I am.. I feel deeply.. because it's who I am... I try to support.. because it's who I am.. I couldn't change that part of me.. even if I wanted to.. I am able to verbalize what I am feeling at the time... yes.. sometimes it conflicts with things I have said earlier.. but that's because the conflict exists in my mind. I try to be open... I try to be honest.. but all that has lead to is hurt... pain.. I have had so many excuses to quit trying to live life.. and just sit.. like a lump... but I won't.. I'll try to continue.. with what there is left of me... I am still positive that I won't be the person I was completely.. a huge chunk is gone.. and all that is left is a hole. I still cry.. I still grieve.. I will for a long time. I try to trust.. but it's just difficult sometimes. It would be so much easier to run away from everyone and everything.. to become a hermit.. or a monk.. I have the head for it now... I look at myself.. and I see the old me.. almost destroyed.. I try to be funny.. look at things lightheartedly.. but it takes an effort now.. before.. it was much easier to grab on to the positive things.. the humor just was there... Now.. there's nothing there.. just an empty feeling.. I don't like this feeling.. I want to be happy.. I'm just not sure that I can anymore... I cry so many times when I type this blog.. It helps me to not cry throughout the day.. at least most of the time.. I want to be able to see some improvement.. some end to my suffering.. but even with the few positive things in my life.. I don't see an end.. not as long as I still have my memories.. whether they were real to her.. or not.. it was to me.. it was a part of who I had become... and now.. I realize that a lot of that was based on emotions that were temporary on her part.. I am not as lucky.. I can't just say.. "oh.. I don't feel that way anymore" "I need something or someone else" Do I still love her? ...yes. I do.. and I will.. or as strong an emotion as I have.. That's why I can't ever move on... First.. I realize that this emotion.. isn't enough.. no matter how strong.. one person cannot sustain a relationship. Secondly.. until I am able to put aside my feelings.. to not think about her every little bit.. I am not able to be in another relationship. Lastly.. I can't trust what I feel.. no matter how strongly I feel it.. because emotions don't matter to some people.. we aren't able deal with certain things.. because we don't have the answers.. I have very little in the way of answers right now.. I am not even sure what the questions are.. I will continue to look for a way to put my past in the past.. but for now.. I'm nowhere near healing.. not even close to letting go.. and I can't help that. I cared too much.. I guess that was my mistake.. and now I'm suffering.
I bought a lottery ticket yesterday... just to keep that hope alive too.. I have a lot of hope... if I were to win... I would be able to do things without fear of not being able to support my kids.. That's part of the reason I'm still here.
I notice that I still have visitors... I don't mind... it shows either that I've peaked their interest... or that she is discussing me with them... and they are just "keeping tabs" on me. Either way... I'm going to continue to blog whatever I feel... I blog each morning now... just to alleviate some of the pressure of life. I still do it just for me. I really didn't figure she would visit my page again.. after she knew I kept record of who visited... I am still not certain who left the "loser" comment awhile back.. it wasn't anyone I gave this web address to. I'm certain that she's getting all kinds of reassuring comments on how she is better off without me.. possibly that I am mentally unstable... I think we all are a bit off our rocker from time to time.. Oh.. I realize that this week is an emotional one for her... I still keep track of her cycle.. I'm not certain why anymore.. habit I guess. I sometimes wish that I hadn't cared so much... I wish that I were like a lot of the other guys that frequent the sites I visited... just there for a good time. But that's not me... I was visiting the sites to find the emotional intimacy I craved.. that I was missing. Yes.. the physical is nice.. but it's not everything.. I find some of the emotional intimacy when I talk with a friend... being able to discuss things.. that are a part of who I am inside.. not the persona I display to everyone else.. but the REAL me.. I do share.. because it's who I am.. I feel deeply.. because it's who I am... I try to support.. because it's who I am.. I couldn't change that part of me.. even if I wanted to.. I am able to verbalize what I am feeling at the time... yes.. sometimes it conflicts with things I have said earlier.. but that's because the conflict exists in my mind. I try to be open... I try to be honest.. but all that has lead to is hurt... pain.. I have had so many excuses to quit trying to live life.. and just sit.. like a lump... but I won't.. I'll try to continue.. with what there is left of me... I am still positive that I won't be the person I was completely.. a huge chunk is gone.. and all that is left is a hole. I still cry.. I still grieve.. I will for a long time. I try to trust.. but it's just difficult sometimes. It would be so much easier to run away from everyone and everything.. to become a hermit.. or a monk.. I have the head for it now... I look at myself.. and I see the old me.. almost destroyed.. I try to be funny.. look at things lightheartedly.. but it takes an effort now.. before.. it was much easier to grab on to the positive things.. the humor just was there... Now.. there's nothing there.. just an empty feeling.. I don't like this feeling.. I want to be happy.. I'm just not sure that I can anymore... I cry so many times when I type this blog.. It helps me to not cry throughout the day.. at least most of the time.. I want to be able to see some improvement.. some end to my suffering.. but even with the few positive things in my life.. I don't see an end.. not as long as I still have my memories.. whether they were real to her.. or not.. it was to me.. it was a part of who I had become... and now.. I realize that a lot of that was based on emotions that were temporary on her part.. I am not as lucky.. I can't just say.. "oh.. I don't feel that way anymore" "I need something or someone else" Do I still love her? ...yes. I do.. and I will.. or as strong an emotion as I have.. That's why I can't ever move on... First.. I realize that this emotion.. isn't enough.. no matter how strong.. one person cannot sustain a relationship. Secondly.. until I am able to put aside my feelings.. to not think about her every little bit.. I am not able to be in another relationship. Lastly.. I can't trust what I feel.. no matter how strongly I feel it.. because emotions don't matter to some people.. we aren't able deal with certain things.. because we don't have the answers.. I have very little in the way of answers right now.. I am not even sure what the questions are.. I will continue to look for a way to put my past in the past.. but for now.. I'm nowhere near healing.. not even close to letting go.. and I can't help that. I cared too much.. I guess that was my mistake.. and now I'm suffering.
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