we all lie

We all lie... daily.. some of us more than others.. whether it is to ourselves.. to our spouses.. to our friends..  sometimes it is things we say.. sometimes it's things we don't say.. things we omit..   I feel like I'm getting much better at not lying..   I see myself as becoming that grumpy old man that tells it like it is.. that no one likes.. If we are friends with someone.. then many times we lie to them to keep them as a friend... or to spare their feelings.. I am not going to do that ..  it may mean I will never have any more friends.. but so be it.  I pushed away the one person I truly loved by being too open and too honest.. and I see now that she couldn't be that way with me.. I never got any warning.. maybe she was trying to keep from hurting my feelings.. but she hurt me more in the long run by not telling me in the first place that she no longer cared for me... to this day.. she's never said anything.. the last thing I was told by her.. was she needed some space... not that she didn't want to be together... not that she wanted someone else..  she's shown me that.. but never told me.  She left everything up to me trying to figure it out.  Why can't people be more open?   Why do people want you to interpret things?   My friend told me that she couldn't say certain things to me.. because she didn't want to push me away.. ok.. that bothered me.. still does.. I told her it did.. I know she wants more than friendship.. I understand that.. but I can't do that.. and I've been totally honest with her.. if it pushes her away.. then it will... I won't lie to her... or anyone else that I consider close.. I lie to keep my job.. I don't say that a few of the managers are complete morons..  at least not to their face... so .. I'm still lying.. I didn't tell my spouse that I had an affair.. so I'm still lying.. that one.. I have thought many times to correct.  ...but for now.. I really don't care enough about her to tell her the truth..   We seek to make things easy on ourselves by not addressing the real problems in our life.. we choose to live day by day... allowing people to run our lives.. or to try to control us.. and say nothing.. because we are weak... because we cannot bear the thought of another confrontation.  I have started confronting my father.. but there is another area where I need to be more direct.. I told him.. twice a day I will answer the phone.. after that.. he goes straight to voice mail.. because he annoys the shit out of me.. and I told him exactly that.  He says it's because he loves me.. I think that is bullshit too... it's because he wants to know in his mind.. where I am.. and what I'm doing.. he wants to control me passively..  he doesn't trust me to make my own competent decisions...
Today is her birthday... I hope it is a wonderfully happy one.. I hope she allows herself to have a good day and can escape all the crap that is going on in her life... I figure it is still going on.. because even now.. she can't address her problems.. she dances around them.. trying to please people.. she just selects who she pleases.. when she pleases.. which is better than before when she let everyone run all over her... now.. she just lets her spouse control her.. still.. she does that by not coming clean with him.. telling him the truth... she feels guilty.. I understand that.. but still she did nothing to cause his situation.. nothing to make him be the type of person he has become..  I really don't have a clue what's happening there.. I don't know if he is moving home soon.. or has found a more permanent care facility. Like I said before.. she's chosen not to involve me in her life anymore.  I think that's her way of saying.. fuck you.. I've moved on.. go away.. the problem is.. I can't.. move on that is.. I've went away.. just for her.. I lie to her daily by not doing what I want.. contacting her.. I figure that if I lie long enough.. maybe I can learn not to care for her so much.. it doesn't really matter anyway.. I have no intention of moving on with anyone else.  I won't.  There is too much lying and deceit in this world.. not many have been able to become totally honest with their partners.. or friends.. we all seem to hold things back from those we care about.. I know several secrets on both sides of every friendship that I know about.. that the other doesn't know.. but I'll never tell.. that's up to them.. yeah.. in a sense that is lying.. but like I said.. we all lie.

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