free
Have you ever been to a Whole Foods Market? ...it's one of the most interesting shopping experiences you will ever have. There are so many wonderful and different foods there.. a lot of organics.. but the great thing is .. you can sample things.. they actually prepare foods there.. and it's not like some of the dirty groceries where you have a little bucket and some unclean, minimum-wage flunky is passing out samples .. this is a very nice atmosphere.. if you live near one.. even if it's a bit of a trip.. I'd highly recommend going.. just don't eat first.. you WILL want to eat there.. so many conversations I have bring up a lot of memories.. but that's all they are now.. is just memories.. I have to understand that.. that evidently it wasn't real.. isn't real.. no matter how much I wanted it to be.. no matter how much I thought it was.. I have to realize that part of my life is over.. I no longer have yahoo messenger.. or chat with anyone.. other than the couple of people I in-game chat with on WoW... I never thought I would say that.. I do leave message for my students on facebook.. but that's very infrequent.. and no immediate interaction there. I have been chatting for 18 years now.. it's when I realized that I didn't have a good marriage.. that I started.. in order to have some decent conversation with people. I am ok now.. I don't really need much of that anymore.. I have a friend or two to interact with on my game.. and I am satisfied with that.
I sometimes have thoughts of a nice place.. alone.. a small place.. I don't need much.. a couple of rooms.. a computer.. washer and dryer.. I really don't ever want to go to a laundrymat anymore.. something as simple as that would start me thinking about things all over again.. it's the simple things that make me start to cry again.. I need to get over her.. but I still can't.. I don't know how.. I think other people were mean or hurtful.. to push her the rest of the way out of their life.. I won't do that.. I just blog about my thoughts.. mostly about my feelings.. yes.. this blog is somewhat depressing at times... that's just my life.. I spent some time in the past few days reading through past blog entries.. from several blogs I have been associated with.. It's strange how the words can come out.. and we think certain things at times.. and then we show something completely different. I sort of see an evolution on most of the blogs.. here.. my evolution is from intense.. frantic pain to a deep hurting ... one I don't see me ever losing.. I've been told that all wounds heal.. but tell that to the person who has lost an eye.. or arm.. or leg.. I know what that is like.. and this is no different.. emotionally that's how bad this was. I can't recover from it.. I can only learn to live with it. ...I was hoping that putting my feelings out there would help me to deal with them.. but it only reminds me of how I can't trust anyone... that trust leads to disappointment.. and pain. I feel pain every time I pull up a location on the map.. when I think about laundry.. when I look at taco bell.. or hot dogs.. even sometimes when I reach up to turn my bluetooth on.. pretty much in the most mundane details of my life serve to remind me of how she made me love her.. and then walked away.. I hope that I can talk myself into not caring anymore.. I am bound by the strings I have attached to a memory.. but I don't see how I can be free.
I sometimes have thoughts of a nice place.. alone.. a small place.. I don't need much.. a couple of rooms.. a computer.. washer and dryer.. I really don't ever want to go to a laundrymat anymore.. something as simple as that would start me thinking about things all over again.. it's the simple things that make me start to cry again.. I need to get over her.. but I still can't.. I don't know how.. I think other people were mean or hurtful.. to push her the rest of the way out of their life.. I won't do that.. I just blog about my thoughts.. mostly about my feelings.. yes.. this blog is somewhat depressing at times... that's just my life.. I spent some time in the past few days reading through past blog entries.. from several blogs I have been associated with.. It's strange how the words can come out.. and we think certain things at times.. and then we show something completely different. I sort of see an evolution on most of the blogs.. here.. my evolution is from intense.. frantic pain to a deep hurting ... one I don't see me ever losing.. I've been told that all wounds heal.. but tell that to the person who has lost an eye.. or arm.. or leg.. I know what that is like.. and this is no different.. emotionally that's how bad this was. I can't recover from it.. I can only learn to live with it. ...I was hoping that putting my feelings out there would help me to deal with them.. but it only reminds me of how I can't trust anyone... that trust leads to disappointment.. and pain. I feel pain every time I pull up a location on the map.. when I think about laundry.. when I look at taco bell.. or hot dogs.. even sometimes when I reach up to turn my bluetooth on.. pretty much in the most mundane details of my life serve to remind me of how she made me love her.. and then walked away.. I hope that I can talk myself into not caring anymore.. I am bound by the strings I have attached to a memory.. but I don't see how I can be free.
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