Temporary

Sometimes it seems as though I appear to be a control freak.  I have a very mild... passive demeanor about me most of the time.. and I try to have an outlook that most things will work themselves out. I really don't know anymore... I do know that I am making something happen in my marriage.. by trying to escape.. and give her an escape.. because I know it has to be difficult living with someone who it's difficult to communicate with.. She with me.. and I with her.. both of us can't seem to find the words to communicate.  Life is like that.. so many people pass in and out of our lives.. and we don't say what we feel because.... why??  ...because we don't want them to think badly of us?   ...because we don't have the confidence in what we want to say?  ...because we think what we have to say isn't that important?  I really don't know. I logged onto facebook for the first time in a bit, yesterday.. and I got a message from someone that suprised me completely. My college girlfriend had two daughters when I knew her.. ages 3 and 4... this was back in 1985. The oldest one sent me a message telling me I was on her mind... and that about her upcoming marriage.. she has three kids... and said that the "My Little Pony" that I gave her when she was little.. was now her daughter's.  She lives in Pewaukee... which is another strange coincidence... I haven't heard from her in 23 years.. and then this... I didn't figure she even remembered me.  I am glad she did though.. that I had a positive interaction with someone... which motivated her to contact me after all this time.  I don't figure I'll ever have much interaction with a lot of people from my past.. after all.. everyone who is not in my life.. left.  I feel like I am the one who instigated most of the relationships in my life... I suppose that's why I don't have many friends now.. If people want to be my friend... I should let them have the initiative to say something... that's the way I feel.  I heard from someone yesterday that I haven't heard from in several weeks.. just wanting to know if I was ok.. and to take care.  She lives on the other side of the world.. but it was nice to know that she didn't forget about me.  I have a hard time trusting anyone anymore.. so people with just have to be patient with me if they want to be in my life.  My walls are impenetrable... probably requiring more effort to even get somewhat close to me.. than most people are willing to do.  I am glad of the couple of people that made the effort to stay in my life... even though I've pushed everyone away.  I appear cold sometimes now.. I know that.  I just need that effort from others.. to show that I am worth being a part of their lives... Those that don't want to make the effort... will eventually walk out of my life anyway.. as so many of my friends have done... and I'm tired of having to be the one to start things.  It seems like in the past couple of years.. I have actively tried to pursue a relationship.. even though I was in a marriage.. I suppose that was a mistake.. as I do have ties that aren't broken yet.  I will always have some sort of ties with my spouse.. My daughters will ALWAYS remain an important part of my life. I just am not certain of who else will filter in and out of my life.. I know that people tell me that they are not going anywhere.. I know that people plan on being in it.. but that's what everyone says..  I've heard it so many times... it's hard to believe that anymore. I just don't have the ability to believe what people tell me anymore.  I sometimes don't even have the strength to believe in myself. I know I refuse to believe in my emotions.. they've led me astray so many times... It's hard to care much about anyone... I don't believe in love... every person who says they love me.. has eventually changed their heart... or mind.. I don't know which.. I just know that in most people's lives.. I've been temporary.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

Something I Have Learned Well.

I'm Looking Forward To A New Year.