Another one down...

Another one down... made it through another day... seems like a stupid thing to say, but I expected yesterday to go much worse than it did.. Thanksgiving day... and where I have some things to be thankful for.. I also have a lot of things I wish I could change.  It seems like some days.. even weeks now.. just slowly flitter by.. like a dream....  Back to "row, row, row your boat" I suppose.. I work 7 am to 10 pm.. maybe later.. I am ok with that I guess.. I had my one day off this month.. and am ready to go back.. I took a guest to my dinner last night.. and there were no incidents... that's good.  I skipped out on my grandmother's dinner... for the first time ever... it's not like I really get to see any of those people any other time except Christmas and Thanksgiving, anyway.  My sister has a new granddaughter...  she was crying and everyone was passing her back and forth.. trying to placate her... finally I picked her up.. and held her against me.. and all I could think about was how nice it would be to just be able to cry like that.. and not have to explain it.. suddenly she was quiet.. laying against me.. so small.. so unaware of all the cruel things in this world that would make her cry in the future.. everyone commented about how she was quiet.. I guess she felt safe.. I wish I could feel safe... I stay on edge.. knowing that there's still a lot of pain... and heartache.. things I will want to cry about..  things I still cry over.. I want life to be better than it is..  a lot of people have tricked themselves into thinking they have any control over their life.. and to a certain point.. there are a few things each of us can control.. but most things are haphazard in occurrence.. We just have to learn to accept that we don't need to raise our expectations... most everyone will disappoint you when you do that.. I don't expect anything from anyone, anymore... My "give-a-damn" is busted..   I am going to make it.. it's not like I really have any other choice... but I can see I was right once more... I told someone once.. that I would never feel any differently.. and that much is true.. I don't feel differently.. but I choose to not be a doormat about it.. I still care... but I won't allow myself the opportunity to care so much as to be destroyed.. yes.. I read that I am a "shell of the man I was" ...and I can see that.. I am quite a bit different.  ...because I choose to be.. based on the lies I've been fed.. based on the dreams of mine that were shattered.. I talk about cruises.. and the future.. and I would like to do that... it's a plan.. but I can't ever fully plan on anything, anymore.  There are too many issues that conspire against me.  I know that life is full of disappointments.. but for a long time.. I will choose not to believe in anything.. that way I can survive those disappointments.  My spouse and daughters wanted to do "Black Friday" at midnight last night.. so they loaded up in the car.. and went through the dark.. in the woods.. for an hour drive to the store... I had told my spouse to pick up her cell phone 3 times... and put it in her purse.. her saying each time.. "I'll get it in a minute" ...so.. they left.. and guess what... she left her cell phone.. at first I was upset.. that something might happen.. and they'd be stranded in trouble.. then I realized... that's their fault.. my kids heard me .. and didn't remind her.. so if they got stuck.. I did all I could do.. other than putting it in her purse for her.. but I am done doing every little detail for people.. I remember as I fell asleep thinking.. if they die.. or are stuck out in the dark.. it doesn't concern me anymore... I didn't even wake up last night.. all through the night like I usually do.. I find that I care a little less each day about people and things.. I am just going to continue to take each day as I come to it.. and screw everyone else.. I really don't care all that much.... and when I make it through a day.. and  lay down to sleep at night.. I can just say... "another one down"